A SPOKESMAN for the Rothschild family has announced today that they are to put their 67% stake in planet earth on the market for a staggering 170 trillion dollars, and have strictly asked for “no time wasters please”.
Speaking at a low-key press conference in New York this morning, an unnamed official stated that the surviving members of the Rothschild dynasty made the decision shortly after the death of their close family friend and former Chase Manhattan Chief Executive David Rockefeller last month, and that they just want to retire from secretly ruling the world.
“We’ve had a very good run of it over the past 250 years,” the spokesperson read from a large goatskin scroll, presumably written by the Rothschild family, “the last 100 of which has seen us manage nations through two world wars and many smaller proxy wars, which we have benefited greatly from, and we feel it is time to hand over the reigns to fresh blood, who can take the planet onto the next level, whatever that may be”.
The family estate, which includes mining companies, energy companies and the control of dozens of the world’s central banks, giving them the ability to freely print money and sell it to governments at an interest rate, is said to be “a steal at $170 trillion”, and insisted that the new owners must first pass a series of tests before they can purchase the 67% stake in the planet.
“Interested parties will need to understand that funding the world’s various military organisations is priority to running this business, and that each candidate must first be appraised for their ability to equally destroy and construct certain parts of the third world,” the spokesman advised, “there is specific instructions to bar time wasters or people of conscience from making a bid, and that anonymity is key to ruling the world, so no global dictators or celebrities may apply either”.
Following the press conference, the spokesman was later euthanised by an awaiting doctor in a bid to safeguard the deal’s secrets, a practice regularly carried out by the Rothschild dynasty.